What It’s Like Facing Your Fear

I faced my fear today. I drove on the same road that changed my life. I did not take another route. No- I voluntarily and cognitively made the choice to break free. I gripped my hands on the steering wheel and did a U-turn to the same road that changed me. And what I mean by driving on the same road is driving in the same direction of the accident.

This was my choice. It was a choice that I did not regret in the end after all.

Tomorrow would have marked the three months since the accident. Today marked the day I drove on the road.

It was a battle between my mind and my body. I was fighting the mechanisms my body usually does to protect me. The numbing feeling in my legs. The tingling feeling in my arms. The disconnecting feeling surrounding my body. The gagging reflex taking me back to the day. And lastly, the flashbacks heightening my five human senses.

I survived. I breathed, I counted one two three, and I spoke to myself the entire time. This only took a few seconds of my time, but it felt like the opposite.

The road was quiet. I was alone today. I was also alone during the accident. Feeling so alone was a common feeling I had during my recovery. It was my common theme. I was alone in the car during the accident. I have never felt so alone. I was literally and figuratively alone. What a lovely combination. However, being alone in the car today and facing my fear alone in the car today felt as if this redeemed my trauma. I understand it might be confusing to understand but this feeling of being alone felt right this time. I gained something from this experience. I fought with the feelings of trauma that held me down for a long time. I faced my fear. I essentially found myself and I have never felt so complete.

This damsel freed herself and now she is free like a butterfly set free.


Weird People are Awesome People

I am weird. But you know what? The best people are. They are just beautifully weird.

I have been told by people that I am weird and it was not positive in their eyes. In fact, they are the same people who say that to other people who are odd like me.

It took me time to realize this, but those ‘people’ are actually boring. And that sort of is sad because they are missing out on a lot of fun such as exploring life and passing the world with flying colours. Yet they carry on with their mediocre lives because it just seems ‘normal’. They also carry on a routine which is redundant considering life is short and time is limited.

Nope. I won’t conform to society. Nor will I conform to the ideologies of being ‘normal’. I sort of like being this quirky, nerdy, funny, awkward, bubbly, corny, cheesy, introverted and interesting person. I am also a lover of weirdos. They make me feel welcomed. The Madhatter (Johnny Depp) is one of my favourite iconic characters.

I am weird.
It is okay to be weird.
In fact, weird is cool.



Three Reminders for Inner Peace


I have not been the kindest to myself lately; wait, scratch that- I have not been kind to myself for as long as I can remember. Most are for reasons that I am not able to share just yet. But I do know that I tend to criticize myself as a form of punishment. Why punishment? It goes with one of the reasons why I am afraid to reveal but I have this belief that I deserve it. Anyway, that does not matter anymore. It was only until recently- last Tuesday actually- when I was texting someone, and I am the type of person that brings positivity to others, so there was a discussion on being easy on myself. I am also the type of person that hides my problems because I do not want to burden the person I am already trying to help. Therefore, to reassure the person, I told them I will be kind to myself, and from there I discovered my three reasons as to why I will begin to accept myself. I hope you that when you read this, my message will reach your heart- our worn-out hearts I may add.


1. Things Will Be Easier


If we learn to love ourselves, things will become much easier. We essentially remove that toxicity that has been burdening our problems. What I mean is that when you stop fuelling the self-hate, you begin to feel the tank make room for positive energy. When you remove the trigger- yes, hating yourself is trigger- you can function normally and do things with a clearer mind. Thus, you will begin to navigate your problems in a better version of yourself.


2. You Are Helping The World


If we learn to love ourselves, those around us might start to better treat themselves too. We really do strive when we are surrounded by positive things, especially from people, because us humans need to stay together, especially if we want to make the inner peace go around the world, which will essentially make the world a better place.


3. Life Is Just Too Short


If we learn to love ourselves now, by the time our time here on Earth is… over… we would have lived knowing that we were here and left the world and resolved the biggest conflict we could have ever faced- inner peace.


Life is short. I am starting to get back up. Yes, I am human. A damsel. A damsel in distress- but I am my damsel in distress AND heroine.

So, I am going to start loving myself. I am going to try. And try. And try. And try. When my world comes falling down. And down. And down. And down, and I feel like giving up- I will simply remind myself the three reasons I simply made up for my principles for self-love. And I sure hope you can too.

The Vulnerable Truth

Sometimes, out of the blue, I want to call someone because I don’t know when it will be the last time I will hear their voice. People don’t get it sometimes- that life is vulnerable. It is precious. It really is. I have this fear that at any moment they would somehow disappear from my life. It can be scary. I guess trauma can do that to you. You don’t realize how life can do that sometimes until it happens to you. And I hope that no one ever experiences it- but that can’t ever be possible. There are things that we can’t control. I don’t know if I will ever learn to accept it. I don’t even think I am past the first stage of what they say the ‘seven stages of grief- shock & denial’. It might take a few more years or it might not ever be resolved. I absolutely hope that my future self will grow, heal and learn healthier ways to cope.

So sometimes, some people don’t understand why I get these random impulses saying that ‘life is short’ or ‘I gotta live life to the fullest’ or even when my optimistic self takes over: ‘life is beautiful- you really have this one life.’ My friends understand that this is my way of realizing that life really does happen. This world is filled with wonders. Some parts of the world already have their ‘wonders’ etched into them. Some wonders are the wonders that spiral through your humane head. Life and death- now that’s the true wonder. The polars of life. I’m sometimes stuck between two poles: life and life. Let me clarify: I live my classic day life such as going to school, talking to people, and going to bed- basically a regular day. But then that’s when life really hits me, and I am reminded of the effect it has.

So when it’s one of those nights and I am hit with those fearful realizations- I am hit with the vulnerable truth. And I get so lost in fear. I hope that one day I will turn these irrationalities to what they used to be… before the vulnerable truth took a toll on me. But for now, I need to rest these tired eyes and hopefully, tomorrow will be another step.

I Feel Fragile When…

I feel fragile when you see me cry. That’s when you see the real me. This broken little girl. You don’t see the strong distant independent woman. You get to see the girl who owns the heart you broke. I am vulnerable as you see the tears fall from my eyes. I am no different than the girl you left a few months ago. That’s what also makes me feel so fragile. You don’t believe that I am stronger because you just filter my battle scars with my falling tears- just another babyface to you.

As I fall to my knees and cover my face with my trembling hands, you would have believed you won this match, but have they ever told you that those who cry are the strong ones?

You see, my friend, I allow myself to cry because I am brave. Only someone so strong can let their guard down when they know it can be so hard to do yet feel so true. I am a soul filled with bundles of emotion. The very same emotions that allow me to shine. I now see how people like you take advantage of people like me; simply because you are missing the essence of life that only exists within our, my, very heart.

You envy that part and try to steal that away from me. And when you left me, you thought I would have lost the light that made me ever so glow. But you’re wrong- the innate life I carry can never fade away.

Good always wins at the end of the day, I hope you also know that. I am fragile as you see the drops forming a puddle beneath me. However, don’t you dare mistake me for surrendering. I never sell myself to the devil- my mom, my morals, and God have taught me better than that.

Sometimes watching the vulnerability of someone can say a whole lot about yourself. I hope you feel uncomfortable-not guilty-just uncomfortable enough making it hard to swallow. So, you can learn to not hurt those who do no harm.

I feel fragile when you see me cry.

I am fragile.

But I’m also strong. Now, look at that.

Sweet Dreams Can Come True

Somewhere Only We Know

I have this dream of helping people- mankind really. The reason why I say it’s a dream, not a goal, is that it can’t always be true, so I’ve learned. I learned that I cannot please everyone, which I find hard to accept. But I know that I will accept it eventually because I already know that this world is an unfair place. It has always been that way- the good and the wrong. Dare I say the notion of heaven and hell?

I guess what’s bothering me the most is how easy it is for people nowadays to just give up and always assume the worst. This is where mankind is heading- but that is…if I can stall that for a bit…can I?

So my dream is to help mankind-everyone-which can seem impossible, right?

Nope- I don’t believe in the word impossible, because I can do something about it- I can try. So that is why I make it my goal every day to at least cheer up one person’s day- which I can’t argue is impossible. And it brings me sweet spirits when I make someone smile.

Nothing is impossible. It’s the matter of how you can steer yourself into the desired pathway you aim to walk through.

I won’t give up. Accepting that sometimes things it won’t work out is part of the process but there’s never a one way to things. I don’t think so.


your young damsel sixteen-year-old girl

The Damsel and the Rose

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I picked the petals off the wilting rose- well… I tried to.

One petal dropped, the rest no more.


The vibrant colours are in too deep,


I think to keep.


With a smell so nostalgic, it sings to me.

I can’t let go,

It’s meant to be.


Her enchanting grace blooms soft kisses to my cheek.

My head falls low,

My eyes too weak.


My fingers caress her elegant touch.

Silk so softly,

Won’t lose the clutch.


Was once an ever-blossoming beauty,

Her wilted petals,

Are her everlasting glow.


Perhaps these wilting petals are there for a reason.

To explain something ever so peculiar to tell.

Yet I ponder to my young damsel soul,

If my wilted petals will ever so glow.

Will I admire my wilting petals as much as I admire the rose’s beauty?


If I will lose my youthful tone,

Won’t it be fair to love my femininity throne?


Through time I will wrinkle.

But nonetheless, I hear her say,

That my dear wilted petals will ever so twinkle.


Her resisting pulls on the petals I want,

Tell me that I,

Can’t force an unwritten fate.


“Live your life.

The petals may fall.

Yet fascinate the time,

Your everlasting all.


No, you won’t disappear.

You, young dear child, listen to me…

My petals,

Your aches,

I suffer too, little one…slowly withering away- my time has come.


But dear, I will tell you how rich and beautiful I feel deep inside.

It’s time that you see the light you carry within inside.”


And there,

Her last,










Elastic Heart- Part I

Guardain ANgel
Guardian Angel

She saw it today.

Watching him walking away with someone she never could have imagined with.


Heart tearing,

Knees sinking,

Head spinning,

Eyes weeping.


It never struck her how hard she was falling for someone until she was near the edge of losing herself;

Effortlessly hurting herself.


Alarms go off each time the memories flash behind her eyes.


Her tears blinding her view;

Only to find that they are to comfort her into a delicate cleanse.

Washing her face, memories hit back as her godmother nurtures her torn out damsel’s heart.


Obsessive thoughts intertwine into an everlasting headache.

Lying on the cold hard ground,

Her fragile body still as it forms an earthquake,

Trembling into one last sound.


She feels hands pulling her up,

Fluttering their wings above her,

Telling her to keep her head up,

Breathe- count one, two, four.


Their angelic embrace,

Wiping away her dropping tears,

Trying to hold her in place,

Her guardian angel rescuing her from her haunting fears.


Waking up from the illusion,

A spell so strong.

Infatuation confusion,

She doesn’t need no breakup song.


She is a heroine, a fighter and magical.

She uses her superpowers that can resurrect her heart from war.


Her heart doesn’t break, nor will it ever do so.

Through it may stretch, her heart will never fall apart- it’s shell and encase is elastic.

And it will conquer all stabs, to only find, her heart to form again… into one.


She won’t ever break, dear I say.

Bruises, scars are there for a reason.

Another battle today, another time to remind herself where her feet shall stand.


She has an elastic heart.

Everyone’s Beautiful Angel- The Shattering Truth

Angelic Light



She is told that she is a confident girl,

Yet they do not know the poison she mutters to herself in her late-night world.


Lying awake, bloodshot eyes;

All the smiles she fakes,

Feed deep into her sweet white lies.


“You are a very happy and outgoing person.”

If only they knew how she is when she is alone.

Tired of it all, taking in so much.


Everyone’s little angel.

How foolish to ever picture her broken wings;

So light, pure radiance.

Crushing inside, silent aches.

Seldom though, the truth is hidden.


“Oh, you are such an extrovert.”

Not one bit,

But she doesn’t argue- it’s better that way.


She wears her mask every day,

Til’ right cold at night,

Where she lay,

Trying to be alright.


Conversations she keeps,

On a constant replay,

Are so deep,

Her own minds betray.


She wakes to late-night nightmares,

Obliged to use different shades,

To conceal her tired eyes at dawn.


She smiles with all her heart,

To disguise the pain behind her eyes.


‘I want to make them see the potential they have,’

She reminds herself.

Holding herself once more in, before getting off her bed-

No one’s got a clue.


It can be frightening,

To enter her world.

To only find scars, bruises, and tales,

That don’t match her persona.


‘Well, diary, it was another successful day- I made a person’s day today. I look forward to it again tomorrow.’

She closes her diary- shuts the light,

Staring into the cold dark night.


No one knows,

It doesn’t worry her,

Not one bit,

So it goes.